


Limerence

by GhostDetective



Series: Downton Shorts [5]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Attraction, Budding Love, Closeted Character, Forbidden Love, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Romance, Secret Crush, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 00:59:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14557413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostDetective/pseuds/GhostDetective
Summary: Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated. (Description courtesy of Wikipedia)





	Limerence

**Author's Note:**

> An exploration of Thomas' feelings towards Edward and the feeling of being in love and desiring a relationship with someone, but wanting the other person to be happy. Canon divergence at the end.

He should never have allowed it to get this far. He was a medic, in a position of power, he should not be having feelings towards his patients. Well, a patient. A patient, moreover, who was not only his social superior, but who also outranked him in the military. But Edward was so sweet, so kind, and so noble, a true gentleman in every sense of the word, that Thomas couldn’t help but feel the dull ache in his chest every time they met. The crushing knowledge that, however much he wanted it, however much he wished for it, they could never be together. This knowledge, however, never stopped him from hoping. 

He found himself scrutinising every moment they spent together, the details replaying like a film in his head. A film he never tired of watching. He found himself constantly thinking of Edward, making it difficult to think about anything else. He found himself watching the way the sun caught his hair, illuminating strands of treacle, gold and even copper. He found himself leaning in closer than he needed to; he tried to convince himself that it was because Edward was blind, that he needed Thomas there as extra support, but he knew that wasn’t the truth. 

The truth was that however often they touched, it was never enough, every brush of Edward’s arm on his left him longing for more. Every time they parted, he was already looking forward to the next time they met, hoping that, this time, it would be their time. 

The thing that gave him cause to hope was that, during these moments, Edward seemed to lean into him, only slightly, very gently, but it was definitely there. Then Edward turned to face him and he would read volumes into the look on his face, wondering what Edward was feeling in his own heart. 

He didn’t want to trap Edward in a relationship with him. Edward was a prince among men, he could do better than Thomas, he *would* do better. He would marry and have a family and be very, truly happy. That was all he wanted for him. Along with the longing in his own heart was a longing for Edward to live a full, happy life; to have everything, a wife, children, a home, everything Thomas could not give him. He couldn't condemn Edward to hide for the rest of his life. He wanted Edward to be happy, even if that wasn’t with him. He had all but resigned himself to his fate of watching Edward’s happiness, rather than being there to live it with him. He tried to tell himself it was for the best, but, deep down, he didn’t believe it. 

Then one day, he had let slip that he was different. To his horror, Edward had immediately picked up on it. Thomas hurriedly changed the subject, too shy to truly test the waters. Edward reluctantly let the matter go. Had he imagined it, or did Edward seem disappointed? He had no time to dwell on it, before Edward’s hand came to rest on Thomas’ knee. His heart beat fast, was Edward trying to tell him something? 

That night, he dreamed about Edward, of laying on his cot together, arms wrapped around each other, gently caressing his side, their shirts on the floor and shards of morning light cast across to where they lay, giving Edward’s pale skin an etherial glow. When he woke alone, the sense of loneliness was suffocating and he wept. Wept for his heartache, for a love unfulfilled. How he wished that Edward would give him a sign, a hint, any indication that Edward felt the way that he did, that his feelings were returned. He hated having to rely on ambiguous moments and veiled allusions. 

Then Edward was told he would have to leave Downton hospital. Thomas felt it like a vice crushing his heart. Desperate, he glanced to Edward, who looked as if the world would give way beneath him. The bloodless, panicked look on Edward’s face haunted him. 

He couldn't sleep that night. He had to go to Edward, to confess how he felt, to say goodbye, even if Edward rejected him, he had to know that he had done all that he could. 

He crept down to the ward to find it still and silent. The other soldiers were asleep, but one solitary figure was awake. He came nearer and stood beside Edward’s bed. He heard a choked sob.  
“Lieutenant Courtenay?”  
“Corporal Barrow?” Edward seemed startled and quickly dried his eyes on the sleeve of his pyjamas and sat up. “What are you doing here?”  
“I couldn't sleep.” He admitted.  
“Well that makes two of us.” Edward’s voice shook. After a pause, he continued. “I don’t want to leave, Barrow, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”  
“Well, that makes two of us.” He huffed a humourless laugh, sitting on Edward’s bed.  
Edward tilted his head.  
“Would I really be missed that much?”  
“More than you could ever know.”  
Edward dried fresh tears from his eyes.  
“I don’t think I could go on without you, Barrow.”  
“Maybe you don’t have to.”  
“What do you mean?” 

It was now or never. 

He reached over and cupped Edward’s cheek in his hand. Edward gasped, but didn't pull away. He leaned in closer, giving Edward ample opportunity to push him away. To his amazement, and encouragement, Edward leaned into his touch with a contented sigh. Edward closed his eyes. He stopped just before Edward’s mouth, his breath ghosting across him. Edward hesitated, then met his lips with his own. It was a chaste kiss, a gentle press of their lips, but the thunder in their hearts was intense.

They broke apart, Edward rested his forehead against his and this time, his laugh was genuine.  
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”  
“The feeling is completely mutual, Thomas.” 

He wrapped his arms around Edward and held him. He had never been so happy. Unfortunately, he knew they couldn't stay like that, so he pulled back and kissed Edward’s forehead softly.  
“I’ll come back tomorrow, alright?”  
“Please do.”  
“Goodnight, Lieutenant Courtenay.”  
“Goodnight, Corporal Barrow.” 

He made to move away, when the moonlight glinted off of something next to Edward and he craned his neck to look at it. Lying on the table next to Edward was a steel razor blade. His blood chilled. Had Edward really been willing to go to such lengths because he couldn’t be with him? He picked up the razor blade, vowing that Edward would never cry alone again. 

The next few months would be something they faced together.


End file.
